you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
