the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
