So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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