And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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