Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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