i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize