My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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