true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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