It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
