She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
