pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
