What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
