apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
