Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
