We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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