It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
