your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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