Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
