i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
