Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
