Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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