apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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