Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
