I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
