nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
