I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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