He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You ate ashes out of my bong
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
