The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
