Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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