my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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