After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
this will be a night to untag.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He did a backflip because drugs
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
