Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize