Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
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Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
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Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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