Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
