Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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