What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
