you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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