Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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