i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
