Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think a kid would responsible me up
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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