I wish my penis had an off switch
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
