Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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