Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
