So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
