I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You ruined the universe
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
