Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
