Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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