I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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