this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
