If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
