You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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