Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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