i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
