peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
