You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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