somebody snuck up and got me drunk
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
