Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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