unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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