I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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